1.)Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2.)Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad
and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
3.)Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4.)Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
5.)Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
6.)Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
7.)Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out
her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months
later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard
that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
8.)Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard
rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd
had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking
its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the
good Chuck, he taketh away.
9.)Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The
other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
10.)The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11.)To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different
kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
12.)If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
13.)Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
14.)There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
15.)Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.
16.)Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply
beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and
the game forfeited.
17.)Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
18.)Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only
thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
19.)Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
20.)Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up
the courage to tell him.
21.)When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
22.)Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused
him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch,"
Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
23.)When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard.
He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole,
and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and
came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done
it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never
question Chuck Norris."
24.)After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb
on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
His reasoning? It was more "humane".
25.)One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one
outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
26.)huck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
27.)Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on
their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
28.)Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
29.)Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is,
of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower
the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
30.)Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in
the face that day.